Torn

It not a love battle, its not about passion. I guess its about care, the battle when your friends dont like your significant other…..in a not to subtle way. Actually, its obvious….not matter what they thinks. And it sucks because it hurta and i dont know what to do. And i dont want to chose a side but i dont want to keep them separate. And it may not be on purpose, but it feels like they dont want us anywhere together. Its either just me or not at all with him.

Help…..please….

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I’m Sorry.

I’m sorry that I can be a burden. I’m sorry that I don’t understand. I’m sorry that I can’t help very much. I’m sorry that it hurts. I’m sorry that I can’t make it go away. I’m sorry that I’m forgetful and say things that I don’t actually mean. I’m sorry that I’m sorry because it makes it harder for you.

I should stop saying, “I’m sorry.” It just makes it worse. But you should know I am and that I mean it when I say it. I know you won’t necessarily see it but I am. But for now, I’m going to stop saying it. There are other things we should focus on.

“Take one step at a time. There’s no need to rush. It’s like learning to fly or falling in love.”
Take as much time as you need. I’ll be here for you. Don’t worry about moving too fast or going to slow. What works for you is what you should do. You can lean on me. I’ll be your crying shoulder. I’ll be your comfort and your friend. I’ll be with you until the very end. I love you so much. Please don’t even doubt that. Just remember that I’ll always pick up the phone and be there to talk about anything when you need it. Please.

I love you. Be safe. I’m here for you. Take it slow. We can do this together.

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Lights

I like the light. I like that I can see the world. I like that I can feel the warmth. I like that people are active and energetic. I like that it pushes the dark away. I like that I can get distracted. I like that I can be productive. I like that I can at least pretend to be happy around people for now. I like that it’s easier to laugh and it’s easier to smile. I like that the world doesn’t seem as scary.

I don’t like the dark. I don’t like the fears. I don’t like that I’m left alone with my thoughts. I don’t like the feeling of loneliness. I don’t like……………….I don’t like the reality of life. I don’t like how everything good seems to disappear. I don’t like how I forget the good in life. I don’t like how it’s hard to hide. I don’t like it.

I don’t like the dark. I like the light.

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Annoying

Lessons learned. I need to learn how to shut up and hold my tongue. Once everything’s done, I think it’ll be okay because I don’t need to see them again…getting ready to disappear for a week and let everything settle back in. There’s that unsettling stomach feeling again that people just don’t like me and that it’s all an act. But that’s no surprise. Not the first…and definitely not the last. Maybe I should just shut up………..

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Dipshit

You’ve come such a long way. Why go and revisit the past when you know that there’s only pain and agony? Why go when all that happens is a breakdown and knots in your stomach? Why let one thing a person said affect you so much? Why become the person in your story that you’re disgusted by? Stop coughing. Don’t puke. Drink water. Eat your vitamins. Ignore what people say. It’s hard. It’s really hard. It never resonates right away. It’s always a few days later. Never hits hard. Not until later. Not until you want to revisit that story that ended it all and was the start of the beginning to recovery. Breathe. Stop. Don’t talk unless necessary. Don’t be hard on yourself. WHY LET ONE PERSON’S COMMENT MAKE YOU REVISIT THE PAST. WHY LET ONE PERSON BEGIN TO DESTROY WHAT YOU’VE BEEN STRUGGLING FOR SO LONG TO BUILD. WHY LET ONE PERSON BE THE DICKHEAD THAT CAUSES YOU TO SPIRAL BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE AND SO HATED TO BE.

Wow. So easy to hide something. So easy to recover. Practice makes perfect, doesn’t it? God. Why are you so mean to yourself? You’ll be ok. It’s what you tell Matt. You tell him that he’ll be ok, that you’ll be at his side through thick and thin, that you two can overcome this obstacle together. Don’t let anybody ruin that. You have to know that you can do this. You are not what people say you are. You are not merely a façade. You’re a real person. You are you and people can deal with it. 世界上只有一个你。

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Sorry You Spoil Me and That I Wanna Be Selfish

It’s disappointing when you stay up late, even though you’re already tired yourself, thinking that you’ll manage to have a quick call just to hear his/her voice or see his/her face only to get a message that the person is tired and going to bed.

Do you think I’m not? The only person I ever want to talk to is you. I stay up later for you. I leave my phone on for you. All just to talk to you when I could probably fall asleep any moment if I was comfortable just right. I know that
this is your week with friends and stuff and that I just saw you last weekend but I wanna at least hear you. It’s not my fault you spoil me. I just wanna be selfish when it comes to you.

Petty? Maybe. Probably. Just want to be included.

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Those Thinking Moods

You know, those thinking moods. The ones you get when you hear something you don’t want to hear, the ones that occur when you see something that maybe wasn’t meant for you to see or wasn’t everything that happened. When you try to get other work done because you have an important deadline coming up in a few days but no matter how hard you try, you always go back to that statement, comment, conversation, picture, whatever. That one thing is a black hole, sucking up everything else so all you can see and think about is it. When you finally want to do something about it, you’re afraid that you’re going to step on something personal and make the other person explode or that you’re just going to be annoying again. So instead, you just continue to sit and struggle, your mind tossing and turning over this thing, whatever it may have been. This continues until the issue gets addressed and when it does, you either feel even worse than before or feel great because you addressed an issue that made your relationship/life/outlook/whatever better than ever and you’re ready to conquer whatever the world has to offer.

Step by step. Day by day. I promise it’ll get better, hopefully sooner than later but I know it will. Just breathe and smile.

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