“I’m not a perfect person.”~The Reason by Hoobanstak
I don’t know if it’s because of stress or because of my recent retreat but I feel like with one push, I could fall over. I feel like I have this overwhelming sense of people around me and it kind of sucks. I mean, it’s nice knowing that I’m trying to be more understanding (that’s not going too well so far. I wish it were a lot easier than it really is) but I also see the problems that lie everywhere. I wouldn’t say that I’m perfect so I of course see everything; no, I’m far from perfect. I’m probably closer to being the most imperfect person you’ve ever met.
Trying to live the fourth. It’s great to live by but so hard to do at the same time. It’s step by step, day by day. It’s hard because you’re back in the ‘real’ world, the place where you’re not surrounded by people who know your story, the place where people aren’t on the same page as you. My goal for this week to live the fourth is to fix/mend/work on a relationship that I personally feel like has been crumbling slowly. I know that it’s not the other person’s fault; I think a lot of it happened due to my lack of communication because I did back away just like everybody else. I saw everything but didn’t say much, and that really affected both me and the other party.
I knew that saying everything was going to hurt and was going to be scary, but I didn’t think it would be this nerve-wracking this frustrating, this terrifying for the person’s reaction. I’m glad, though, that I did it. Even though I may have broken down when I saw my retreat small group leader, I’m still glad that I didn’t back down from this. I think that if I did back out, something much worse than a feeling of guilt and worry would’ve happened or consumed me. It may be a long road or it may be short but it’s still a path we have to take. It’s a little unstable (okay, it may be a lot unstable) but sometimes the foundation is stronger than it may seem. You never know until you try.